Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
