I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize