Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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