Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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