U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
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