I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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