My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
