do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
