the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We need a shit load of segways right now
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