I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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