Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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