FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
