chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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