Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
