If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
