i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
