even my farts smell like vagina
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
