I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Someone shit on the floor
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
