rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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