Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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