I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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