Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
