You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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