wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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