I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
