And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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