I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
