My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
