My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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