I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
