Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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