Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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