All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize