I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
