Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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