Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
