i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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