You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
