hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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