good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
