If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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