it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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