Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
