where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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