she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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