If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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