All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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