I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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