If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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