I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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