The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
