The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
