Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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