Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
