Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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