none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
