Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
