I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
